7/27/2021

I started taking iron supplements recently. I spent my whole life fatigued, always with freezing cold hands and feet. Depressed because I watched my life slip through my icy fingers and never had enough energy to do anything about it. I guess this is just what happens when you experience neglect from a young age.

I don't feel fatigued anymore. My hands and feet are warm. I always wondered why I felt cold despite wearing a coat and thick socks. I'm looking forward to the last 20 years of my life simply feeling like a bad dream. I just want to forget it.

Now that I've had more energy, I've been doing more and more things one by one so I don't burn myself out. I started working out. It really bothered me that I couldn't do a single pull-up, so I did dead hangs for about a month to build up strength. Now it seems like every other day I can hit another checkpoint. I can do sets of 8 now. Cool, huh? I'm even sleeping better. I've learned to not stay up late and to simply go to sleep when I'm tired and wake up when I'm rested. No alarm clock, no stress about staying up late. If I stay up a little bit late, I don't forsake my sleep and stay up later just because. I get into bed and wake up a bit later than I'd like. And that's good enough for me.

I still have trouble talking. I'm not exactly sure why. I mean, I have ideas, but I have ideas about everything and it's hard to say if my ideas regarding why I tremble are good, they need testing.

I want to say I'm afraid of what tomorrow has in store for me, because I've spent so much of my life afraid... but I don't think I am. I don't feel afraid. I don't know if that's because I'm brave or if it's because I've learned to not go looking for reasons to create fear in myself. Maybe it's both.

You know I've been reading a lot more recently? I used to browse Reddit whenever I felt bored, but I noticed I was constantly using Reddit at every opportunity. I'd just load up like five different subreddits whenever I wasn't already doing something that required my attention. Apparently that's bad. You're supposed to let yourself feel bad emotions to learn to let them flow through you rather than avoid them and allow them to linger. Crazy, huh? Either way, I knew I liked reading considering how often I did it, but now I'm reading material that feels more filling. Like dinner prepared by a lover rather than a street food lunch. They both have their upsides and downsides, but I think I'll be looking for my meals carefully prepared from now on. It's been nice diving deep into one specific person's mind over hundreds of pages for their point of view rather than skimming across hundreds of people's minds for their shallow points of view.

I don't really know where I want to go in my life. I know what I want to do, but I don't really want to do anything. I want to lay by a pool and listen to music. I want to look attractive. But then I already lay outside in a hammock and listen to music and am routinely told I'm attractive so.. what do I feel like I'm missing? Why is the pool important? If I had a pool, would I not want something else? Do I want to be told I'm attractive by a person I like and don't simply tolerate? Why do I let myself spend my time around someone I tolerate rather than enjoy? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I know I'm not happy and I don't know what I want. I don't think I'm supposed to be happy constantly but I'd like to feel happy sometimes. I've felt my happiest when I've been fulfilled creatively, but then I don't want to really do anything. Why not? I want to be happy but I'm unwilling to do what I know I'll enjoy? I'm unwilling to do what I know will help me sleep at night? Why? Am I punishing myself? What's wrong wth me? Is there anything wrong with me if that's who I am? I know I'm not enjoying myself, and I'm the one causing that, so isn't that wrong? Shouldn't I fix it? I don't know I don't know I don't know.

7/28/2021

"Is there more life than just us in the universe?" Yeah, of course. Billions of galaxies, there's one of them with life in it.

I really, really love how selfish humans are. Millions of forms of life on our planet, and we choose look up for just one.

8/2/2021

I've been listening to complextro all night. Hyperpop. Whatever Dariacore is, I'm sure it's a thing. I've found I really enjoy scrolling through tags on soundcloud for songs with double-digit hits. Barely anyone has listened to this music. A handful of people. My current favorites are "Omega Tempest by Nujioh" and "The Apple Is Fucking Poisoned Fuck You I Hate You by bonzimusic". I've spent most of my life listening to pop music, and I love it, but it's so nice to listen to music that feels so pure. It's all sharp edges. The volume peaks, the vocals are pitched way up and distorted, it's faster than it has any right to be, I love it so much.